I really miss having really, really deep heart-to-hearts with someone. I miss being able to pour out all of my deepest emotions to someone and not have to worry about the slightest bit of judgement.
But I've learned that I can't trust anyone anymore. I've learned that telling someone, "Please don't tell anyone," means they're just gonna turn to the next person and say, "I'm gonna tell you something but don't tell anyone else."
So I'll just keep everything to myself.
I've spent a lot of my time this year focusing on myself. Taking a step back, looking at the good times I cherish, and the hard times that humbled me. I've been putting it together to see how all of that has affected who I am today.
I'm gaining a much better understanding of myself now. I really starting to understand what makes me tick, what inspires me to take bold steps, and what kind people/things hold me back.
I think know the right formula for me to move on (at least I think I do). I just have to put it all together.
A big part of that formula is getting my career back on track. Because when I have financial freedom, I can go out and spend more time with people that inspire me.
That's why my career has been my top priority for the past year.
Anyways, without any further ado, for my 9th straight year, here is my annual survey.
Yeah, that's right. I like to be alone. Don't misunderstand this though. I don't like to be lonely, if this makes any sense whatsoever. But I do, I like having "me" time. I like being alone. It gives me time to evaluate myself and my relationships with others. It doesn't necessarily even have to be about contemplating the meaning of life and other profound things. I also just like to sit there and watch movies, and read books, or clean and take my time to do whatever I want. I'm often busy tending to others and life feels so fast-paced sometimes. My mind feels so occupied all the time. So I truly cherish the moments I have alone, when my mind can just be free.
But ironically enough, it would be nice to have someone to just be alone with. It'd be nice to just be able to call up a friend to talk over coffee, or to have them come over and just sit around and watch movies with me. We don't even have to talk. We could just share each other's presence in silence. Don't get me wrong, I could do all of these things with my boyfriend. But a friendship is different. A lover should be your best friend, but not the only one. Sometimes I feel like calling up girlfriends is pointless. They almost always want to go out to a party or the nightclubs. I do enjoy going out, but not all the time, especially not in single-people environments. I feel so out of place. All of my closest friends have moved away, and it's difficult to coordinate free time to converse on the phone. I've always been more into quality, not quantity. And it's hard to find genuine friendships. Alright, I'm just blabbering on now. I started going off on a tangent, and forgot the real purpose of this post. I don't even know what I'm really trying to say. I don't even think anyone else would understand either.
People have always told me that I'm a very social person, but I don't feel like it. Truth is, I think I'm just an awkward person who is scared to trust people. I just make a bunch of small talk or talk about things that don't really matter, because I can't trust just anyone with who I really am.
Don't mind this post that doesn't make any sense.
I wish I could say that everything from my past has made me a better person instead of a bitter one.
But I can't.
I don't know how to trust anymore. The times I stepped up to do the right thing are the times that I got burned. I've learned from my mistakes but the bitterness is still too much.
I push people away. I keep everyone at a safe distance. I'm too damn scared to let anyone close enough to hurt me again.
It's not the right way to live"¦but it's the only way I know right now.
When I can't figure out what to eat, I"¦
look at my list of 50 favorite nearby restaurants
look at restaurant websites
instant message my friends and ask what they've eaten today
text message my friends to see what they've eaten today
scroll through Instagram for food porn
scroll through my own food porn
turn on the TV and eat at the first food commercial that pops up
lie down and think about food until I either decide on something or I pass out.
That's totally normal, right? lol
"Talking." Courting. Dating. Becoming official. Moving in. Relationship-defining fights. The blessing of her parents. Proposal. Marriage.
I always believed that the whole journey should be honorable.
Maybe I'm just old-fashioned like that.
But I'm slowly opening up to the idea that maybe love doesn't have to follow that script to be honorable.
Sometimes a woman's love overlaps two men for a while before finally committing to the right one.
Sometimes the right one started off as a rebound.
Sometimes two people are right for each other even though some closest friends/family say it's wrong.
Sometimes the right one once dated a close friend.
Sometimes two people falling in love means someone on the outside has to get hurt.
Maybe when it comes to love, the only honor that's needed is two people that are meant for each other, finally finding each other.
And nothing else matters.
I've always believed that if I always treat people the way I want to be treated, good things will happen to me.
That working hard and being kind will take me places.
That what goes around, comes around.
That all the times I've gotten burned is just me paying my dues, and later in life I will be rewarded for my selflessness. For my compassion. For my internal desire to want to make my mark on this world by leaving it a little more beautiful than I found it.
Maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe the only way to get what I really want is to be selfish. To take what I want. To not prioritize anyone or anything else but myself and what I want.
But I don't want that. I don't want to believe that.
I can't explain why it is so deeply entrenched in me to always want to do the right thing, when my biggest losses in the past have proven that I will be just be taken advantage of.
Maybe I'm just being blind. Stupid. Naive. Ignorant. I don't know"¦
But I'll keep trying.
There has to be something good for me out there. Something that'll make everything in the past worthwhile.
At least I hope so.
It's not until waaay after things fell apart that you are finally able to see with clarity:
It's not about what you two did or didn't do to each other.
It's about how you two made each other feel.
