// Day Five

No regrets here. And I don't fully believe in the notion of predestination or that "everything happens for a reason." I believe God/karma/life throws opportunities at us but it's up to us to make the best of those opportunities.

I can't predict what the future is gonna throw at me, nor can I predict how I'll react to something in the heat of the moment. So to hear that "everything happens for a reason" as if all of the good & bad times in my life were already planned out...that just doesn't work for me.

Whatever happens to me -- whether its life's curveballs thrown my way or results of bad decisions I've made in the past -- I define my own reason.

So instead of posting regrets, here are Six Painful Lessons I've Learned:

1. After my first heartbreak, I learned that love is nothing like the movies. There is no such thing as a simple "happily ever after." Both sides have to trust each other completely, be on the same page and be willing to make great sacrifices for each other.
2. After another heartbreak, I learned to look at it this way: "You wanted so bad to be with the wrong person, imagine how beautiful it'll be when you find the right one." I also learned, "Don't settle. Ever."
3. Six years after walking in on my college roommate having sex, I learned to appreciate all of the random, trivial and painful things that led me to where I am today. (You'll have to read that link to see what I mean.)
4. When someone close to me told me of their dying condition, I learned that we need to take better care of our bodies because we only get one. (I'm totally guilty of forgetting this..I need to remind myself of this more often.)
5. When my uncle passed away to lung cancer, I learned to never take my mom & dad for granted. This heartbreak also led me to this next one...
6. ...There is no such thing as "perfection." Embrace all of the imperfections in your life.
7. After getting my first full-body massage, I learned to ALWAYS request a female masseuse.

Sorry, just had to throw in that extra one, haha.

-Mel

// Day Four

• "I'm hungry. What should I eat? Wait, did I eat already? What did I eat? Am I really hungry or am I just looking for something to do?"
• "I need to check Twitter before too many tweets stack up."
• "Is this beautiful or useful?" -- If neither, get rid of it.
• "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
• "What did I learn today? If today didn't happen, what would I have lost out on?"
• "Do I mean as much to this person and they mean to me?"
• "I really really really want the [insert latest Apple product here]."

// day three

• give really good hugs. I can tell a lot about us from just a hug.
• randomly send me sincere text messages.
• cook me stuff (Seriously! It's not so much about the food...it's more about the gesture of going out of your way for me).
• surprise me.
• show me your geeky side (musical, gaming, gadgets)
• dedicate something to me, no matter how small. A tweet, a shout-out, a video comment, a bodyroll, a cupcake with my name written on it in frosting...anything.
• be honest with me. You don't have to tell me everything; just don't lie to me.
• win the heart of someone close to me out of the goodness of your heart (i.e. not having any hidden agendas).
• not be perfect but always strive to be a better person.

Okay, that was nine things.

• If I share food with you, it means I like you.
• If I eat like a slob around you, it means I feel close to you.
• I was TRICKED into watching my first porno in 5th grade. It was called, "Ernest Goes to Congress". It definitely wasn't Ernest.
• My right foot is one full shoe size larger than my left (10.5 and 9.5).
• I have this OCD where I have to read every single tweet or else I feel like I missed out on something. I'm scared to follow more people cuz that means more tweets that I'll have to read.
• I am ridiculously OCD over organizing stuff on my computer. My iTunes is all organized with genres, album, artist, tags, ratings and smart playlists. I've spent countless hours organizing my iPhone app icons. All my photos in iPhoto must be originals, not right-clicked-and-saved from Facebook.
• I LOVE it when my tweets are exactly 140 characters. It makes me happy, like getting a clean swish in basketball.
• I LOVE to write. The only problem is I'm hella OCD about it too...so I spend a ridiculous amount of time drafting things before I post them. Take my "Thoughts on BTVfam/FAP" post for example...that took me 32 hours...
• I like things in odd numbers, specifically 3, 5 or 7. You might notice it in my writing.
• When I use the bathroom, I ALWAYS have to look behind the shower curtain. I have this weird fear that someone is gonna jump from behind it and twitpic me with my pants

Okay, that was ten, hahah.

1. She was my biggest heartbreak. I locked up my heart for several years after her (all the way up to this year)...and she still has no idea. She never will. But you make her happy...far happier than I ever could've made her. So for that, I wish you two nothing less than a lifetime of happiness together.

2. Of all the amazing people I've met in the last two years, you're the only one that STILL gets me hella nervous. But I've learned how to put on a good poker face...so you'd never even know. (;

3. Two years ago you made a Mel Dollar out of a post-it note and slipped it into my wallet while I was using the bathroom. I still carry it in there with me. I know that we've lost touch with each other a little, especially when compared to how we used to be three summers ago, but you'll always special place in my heart. You're busy doing your thing right now, I'm busy doing mine...but we helped each other get to where we are today. I miss how we used to spend every late night chatting together, but we both know that life will bring close again when we both need it most, just like it always has.

4. You are by far the most passionate guy I know. When you got your heart set on something good, you go after it. But at the same time, when something rubs you the slightest wrong way, you lose your cool and go after it as well. This year I learned a lot about recognizing my moments of weakness. That way, I could take a step back before I do/say something that I'll regret later. It's something that I'm still mastering...but brother, when you learn to master it, there will be nothing in the way to stop you from doing wonderful things for this world.

5. I'm not convinced that all of your ambiguous, passive-aggressive posts/tweets are doing you any good. You say it's just for venting cuz it'll make you happier in person but there's a fine line between venting and straight up attacking. It just worries me cuz I feel all it does is make things worse rather than help. I f'ing love you and want nothing less than LEGIT happiness for you.

6. You are wifey material. Your boyfriend is so insanely lucky to have you. I hope to be as lucky as him one day.

7. We've been through so much this year. So many good times and learning times. Things didn't work out the way we originally expected from last January...but I cherish everything we've learned from each other since then. I love/hate how you know all of the right/wrong buttons of mine to push...but more importantly, I love how even though we have our fights, we ALWAYS end up with our relationship being stronger. I never expect to meet a perfect someone, or to have the perfect relationship...all I ask for is someone that'll love me for who I am and will stick with me as I grow through life's challenges. That's what you do for me. And I want you to know that I'll always be here to do the same for you.

8. Honestly when I heard you were comin' back to Cali, I wasn't even sure if I was gonna kick it with you...but I'm fucking glad we did cuz damn, you were there when I needed it most. I'm doin' really good now and a big part of it is cuz your support. Much love, brother.

9. I tend to not respond to bluntness very well...but I respect it when I get it from you. You're not afraid to call me out when I act like a spoiled shit. You were one of the very very few that was really there for me when I needed it. You helped me keep my head on straight when I was weak and couldn't think for myself. Much love and respect for all the shit you've helped me through in the past few months.

10. I'm sorry we lost our friendship. We really did have some good times back in the day. But you have to understand that we had to do FAP without you because it was best for the show. We brought together more btvfam from around the country. We showcased some great talent and featured some fresh faces. We hit max capacity crowd of 1,100. We donated $3,000 to the the Children's Hunger Fund. As long as our goals were accomplished, does it really matter who organized it anymore? Was it ever about personal glory? I hope one day we could all look back on it and only remember what FAP was always about...the fam, the music and the charity.

This is a little tradition I started four years ago. The idea is to email myself using http://www.futureme.org, and have that email sent to me in exactly two years.

Sure, I could easily just write in my journal or blog...but writing an email to myself seems a little more intimate and lets me paint a more descriptive snapshot of what's going on in my life at that very moment.

Here is the last thing I wrote to myself, a little over two years ago (with a few things censored out). Mind you, this is just a few short weeks before I found myself in the newest chapter of my life -- btvfam.

Friday, August 1, 2008:

Hey Future Mel, how's life treatin' ya??

Life is pretty good for me right now. Work is cool...a little stressful cuz of the growing pains, but it's a fun learning experience. [The company] is now 28ish employees with the newest hire being Erin. [...] I still feel like I haven't quite made my mark. I'll be patient though...I believe in [our new CEO].

I spent a big chunk of the morning talking to my co-workers about VIKING QUEST (http://www.cat69.com). Ryan is all, "dude, you wouldn't even have to pack. Just bring a toothbrush and be naked for one whole week." Hahahahahahh.

So Mel, are you still running? I weigh 238ish nowadays, which is 10lbs less since I started little Nike+ SportBand thing. [...] I'm running half as much as I did before the Oregon Reunion, but my progress has been awesome. [...]

So this weekend was a really awesome one. I drove down to SD to kick it with Meliss...and it was such a blast. [...] I think my favorite part of the weekend was chillin' at La Jolla Cove with Meliss, overlooking the ocean. It was so chill and so peaceful. It's one of those moments where you can put life on pause and just appreciate the stillness. It felt like home.

So what's the deal with you and [that one business idea]? Right now the lawyers are doing the paperwork for forming the company. I feel like anything can happen. It might be huge; might be a flop; it might be modest like [my old site that had 12,000+ members]. But regardless, it should be a fun learning experience.

So anyways, how's your love life now? You still crushing on [some cute girl]? You still spend your lunch breaks chatting with Tracie? Late nights with Meliss? You talk to April at all anymore? Have you found it in your heart to completely let go of the whole [backstabbing friend] & [heartbreaker girl] thing? I'm just about over it but there's still a bit of anger there.

Anyways, hope all is well with you. Don't forget to write Mel 2012!!!

Much love,

Mel '08

It's crazy reading this cuz the first Time Capsule email I wrote in 2006, it was just a couple months after graduation and a little before I got my first real job. My future was just up in the air at that point.

Fast forward to now, where I just recently had to quit that very job. Once again, I find my future is up in the air.

I'm definitely gonna keep this tradition alive and write to my 2012 future me. There are a ton of possibilities/questions/worries for me right now and I'm just eager to see how it will all unfold.

We'll see how things are in two years. In the meantime...love, laugh and learn.

My God, this was just so much fun. <3